I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
