just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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