Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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