A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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