My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
