and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
