Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
