I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
