Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
