Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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