No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize