the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize