dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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