Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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