All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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