First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
