Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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