I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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