We named our party play list daddy issues
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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