Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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