then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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