Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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