I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
