please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
