Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
