when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
