Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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