I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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