My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sorry about my life...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
