Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
