My underwear smells like fireworks.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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