i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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