The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
