this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
