Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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