i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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