Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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