I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
