its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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