I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
