How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
