i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
