dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
