Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
