Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
