after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
