Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
