I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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