i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
