Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
