New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
