NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
