I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
