dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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