I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
