Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
