Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
