He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
