Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
